bitter.sweets.of.life

I’ve been rejecting you
I’ve been walking all alone to be far away from you
I’ve been ignoring what actually I should listen to
I’ve been leaving you for another heart
I’ve been insisting you to wipe away what you believed in
I’ve been asking you to throw away those feelings
I’ve been making you always wondering and wondering
I’ve been one huge question which stuck in your head
I’ve been one giant disappointment in your romantic story
I’ve been the wrong step you took
I’ve been the shadow in the pass you used to look

But beyond all of that…..

I realized you are the sweetest memory during my tale
I realized how bad I miss that smile
I realized how pathetic I become without you on my side
Without you I become so fragile
I become so lost and confused
I become so empty and flat
I become so unstable and depressed
I become so…………bad

But after all……

I am the one who left alone
I am the one who prays and hopes
I am the one who is wondering
I am the one who is missing
And I am the one who is waiting
I am the one who can’t be “the one” for you

Do you see now I am standing here?
With a bucket of roses, I am wiping my tears
Reminiscing how could you lighten up those days?
You kept me smile, held my feet stand steady
To my world, you have shared your beauty

Now tell me what I am suppose to do
Facing your disappearance is way too hard to be done
Sorrow’s coming when I recalled you are the only fun
Those memories are too sweet to be forgotten
Not with 10 years, hundreds or even thousand

It’s been a while since you left me
But not even a single day I went thru without missing you
I was wondering if you were here, what you would be
Will you tap my back and push me to go thru?
Have I told you that I love you?
I dunno how, but still I love you
I dunno why, but still I miss you
I am and will always be here for you!

I walk slowly on the street of Desperate
Watching those kids crying and holding burden
I can see in their eyes they hope a lot to what we called fate
Not everybody can feel their emotion, because it’s hidden
Hidden and covered by that annoying melody
For me it’s annoying but for them it’s a sound of beauty
From that melody
They capture an image of a table full of rice and vegetables
They imagine a picture of decent clothes to go playing
They seize illustrations of books to go studying and one cute bag pack

Do you think they asked too much?
I am sure they also wonder where the God is
I am afraid they hesitate about His mighty love
All they want to do is keeping their mom’s stove, if they have a mom

Move from one ride to another ride
Sometimes they even show no doubt to fight
Because it’s the requirement to get a penny
They don’t give a damn about the hot weather
They don’t wanna move even it’s raining
I started to wonder do they have a lunch.
I think they have
From the garbage can in the corner of the street
They look for the rice we through away
They fight with those dirty mice
Don’t ask, they drink with no ice
A half of clean water which somebody left will be gold for them

Brothers
Hang on over there
Because I know you don’t have any other place to go
Now I can’t do anything to help you out
But someday I’ll clean up all your problems
Someday we’ll enjoy a decent meal together in one big table
Just hang on, pray and keep struggling!

here is the latest wallpaper I invented!!! comments are greatly welcome!

Comrades
Tell me when those times will come again
I am here still waiting for it to happen
You know I’ll always open my arms for you

Comrades
I wonder what you are doing now
Are you still using your car we always used?
Even now, do you keep my favorite movie in your shelf?

Comrades
Do you know that I am closing my eyes right now?
It’s really hurt to see that you are not next to me
I’ll open my eyes when I can hear your voice

Comrades
If you can spin the wheel of time please do
Make me laugh again with all of you
Let me join with your tears and lend a shoulder to cry on
Allow me to spend all my day to share prayers with you
Consent me to tell you my stories on my past and my dreams on the future
Please do, please

dedicated to all my folks out there

If you are only dream during my night
Please, don’t let anyone wake me up tomorrow
And I pray to the God and hope He will make the longest night I could have
Let me sleep and see you dance next to me
I don’t mind spending my whole week only to see you

If you are only imagination during my muse
Then I wanna be the biggest dreamer
I wanna leave reality and live in my imagination with you
You ain’t my everything
But everything will feel nothing without you

If you are sunshine during my day
Then I will finish my 24 hours with the butterflies on my yard
Dancing and singing happily celebrating your sparkle
So the world know that your existence is the only thing matter

If I can’t have you on this life
Then I pray as much as I can to have you on my next life
So the Angels know how hard live without the one who makes you smile is

“I thought I could rely on you!” it was the way my ex-boss ended his call. I failed to clean up the tower which would be checked by the guy who uses our service in the next day. Back then, my job was actually a technician whose duty like managing the PCs, software and hardware. I also got extra duties such as clean up the air conditioner and helping my boss to maintain the towers. Well, I worked in a game center but the company I worked on has more then one business to run and it includes tower for Telkom Co, if I am not mistaken.

I still quite remember, it was almost late afternoon around 2.30 pm. me and the other 2 guys who actually would clean up the tower, the air conditioner of the tower actually, arrived at area called Gedangan. We had two towers to clean that day, one in the Gedangan and the other in the area which is near with Lapindo’s mud flood. My boss called me and told me that the guy from Telkom will check tomorrow for routine inspection. In addition, he also needed to make sure that the tower and its area are clean; if not then I got another extra task.

To be honest, I found it was pretty grimy. Easily I saw plastic bag and leaves over here and there, it was just NOT neat. I was obviously confused with all of those; I needed to clean that tower and another one which will take an hour to go there. I wanted to leave my job as soon as possible that day; I’ve got a girlfriend to pick up at 5.30pm. That’s why I was in rush. I didn’t clean the tower in a proper way; I just left and went to another one. Even though I extracted everything, I still left the last tower around 5.45pm. My ex-girlfriend was the only thing came up in my mind; I didn’t give a damn about my boss and his craps.

So on the way went to her office, my phone rang and I saw my ex-boss’ name on its display. He was getting mad of me as hell, he said that the guy did the pre-inspection and found everything was dirty. He also mentioned that it was the dirtiest tower he’s ever seen. Thus, my boss decided to go to the tower by himself and see. He demanded me to get to the tower one more time. He hanged up the phone with a sentence and I still have that sentence in my mind, it was “I thought I could rely on you!” That second, I forgot about my ex-girlfriend so I called her and said I couldn’t pick her up that day because of bla bla bla. I prayed to my God and hoped that my ex-boss wouldn’t murder me and he didn’t. God helped me; he made a hard raid around his area so he couldn’t come out of his place. Again, he called me and said that it would be better if we clean up the tower together tomorrow. YAY me…

The point is choosing one, never try to do all the options you have if you actually NEED to choose one. Doing both might be make sense but you are about to notice in the end that it ain’t work.

One fine morning

You finished your breakfast and ready to start your day

You ain’t walking, but you’re running

Cheering up and jumping in your way

You need nothing but her

The only thing you want to see is her charming smile

Because that lovely beauty smile make you feel stronger

But deep in your heart you feel so fragile

I know you won’t slow down

You want to do it fast and immediate

The last thing you wanna do is being late

So just Run son!

Run faster until you imagine how’s your heart crying

It insisted to meet her, make her day, and hold her hand

This is what happened

When you see nothing but her

When you see nothing but beauty

When you see nothing but love!

That gorgeous color
Takes me to the melody of shiny Sunday morning
Ignoring everything, everything and nothing is ignoring me

That gorgeous color
Like a vision of the rainy Tuesday noon
It’s not cold, it’s not hot either, nothing but warm and cool

That gorgeous color
Reflecting infinity of the holy Friday on my sight
Being so close, so deep, no burden and no worries

That gorgeous color
Is nothing but white
Which makes my day
Which makes my smiles
Which makes everything I feel good about

I can't wait to watch incredible hulk! this movie is gonna be awesome!

aaaaa, I hate monday! after enjoying 2 days holiday -well it's not actually a holiday, it's a weekend, but let supposed it's a holiday- I got the summer semester! huff, incredibly fast, damn fast. but I promised, this semester will be better than previous ones!
I just used my free account at Parkland server to make my own website, and here is the result I got so far.

Selasa, 5pm, duduk di lab sambil nunggu rendering buat presentasi besok pagi jam 8, fiuh, rasanya minggu2 ini bener2 penih siksaan dan rintangan, ujian dan laen2. dari 6 ujian and projects, yang selesai cuma javascript, CGI dan game design project (masih ada lagi di game design paperna, hiks hiks) untung masih bisa pompa semangat!
anyway, tadi malem tidur jam 2am, karena nganterin temen ke Hospital dolo terus disana kurang lebih habis 2-3 jam, maklum udah malem2 terus dia harus xray karena knee na bengkok. sampe apartment jam 1an, bingung antara laper and ngantuk, setelah mikir sejenak ternyata lebih milih tidur, jadi cuma grab juice + swiss rolls yang ga cocok banget di makan jam segitu, sebelum tidur buka laptop dolo dan ternyata dapet beberapa email yang "insanely urgent" jadi bales dolo deh sekalian online buat say hi ke temen2, walaupun cuma sejenak.
seperti yang di duga, bangun kesiangan dan sarapan seadanya, terus keluar pintu dan pas banget bus na dateng. sampe di Parkland jam 8, kerjain final project buat game design class yang jam 11 harus udah selesai dan di presentasikan. untung lah, saya dan teman2 se team bekerja sama dan akhirna selesai juga game na. yang bikin aku seneng, game na ga jelek2 amat, malah tergolong bagus, begitu kita presentasikan game and open .exe na, ada yang bilang "wow, it's so cool!" tau kan gimana gembiranya kalo jerih payah kita di hargai ama orang laen!
and yeap, masih ada kurang lebih 4 exams lagi! Semangat!
click here to see my lovely game, left click on the file called "kidnapper.exe"

so, during the final exams weeks, everything is going crazier and crazier, even more! here is my to do list for this 3 Days ::
1. Finish the Kinematics Model (3D Animation Class)
model here means the boxes, spheres, skeletons and joins, the plan of his movement as well.
2. Finishing Final Project of CSC155, create a blog
this is the crazy one, I got really left behind
3. Javascripts final problems
I got 3, one finished and two to go
4. Flash Animation for the Spring show
it's almost done, just need more time
5. Topics in Web Programming labs
I think I only needs one more, I finished the others

I thought you are here
Sit next to me and wipe these tears
I realize that you are so far
Made me just like a point among bunch of bars

You just need to look at me
Crying alone under your misery
That smile just another fake
None of those can make me really awake

Nice and warm you showed
Mean nothing but hollowed

I used to sit alone in that chair
Then you came to erase my despair
Lifted me up with cheer and shiny joy
But finally it became a memory of destroy

Now you're hurting me
Stab me from the back
Paint my days black
Now I can't even recognize my own track

If I have one chance
I wish your absence
I do hope to not see your face
Go and move away to another place

Leave me alone

This march, there is something special, nope nope it's not Doomsday movie, nor the lovely spring break for students in USA, but it's a cookie, called Girl scout Cookie. Friend of mine in French Club brought some for us, she always said that it's the best cookie in US, lots of people crazy about this cookie.
Let see from the historical side for the starting point, this cookie was being sold since 1917, it was not by girl scout, but by American Troop, they did that to raise fund for their unit, and on 1933, the girl scout of Philadelphia started to sell the same cookie and for the same reason, it was only girl scout, not boy or anybody else, that's why it's called Girl Scout Cookie.
You can only find this cookie on March, maybe that's why it so special, and they are vary in Price and type, let say roughly 2-5 bucks, depends on the spot where you buy and what kinda cookie you want. There are several type of the cookie, those are Thin Mints, Do-si-Dos (Peanut Butter Sandwiches), Shortbread, Lemonades, Cinna-Spins, and Caramel Delites which is my favorite.
The way they sell is standing on the street with a small table and lined up those cookies, offering that to any Pedestrian, or maybe they do it door by door, knock every door in their neighborhood, once again, Only in March. why March? who know? might be they have bunch of programs on Summer, like summer camp or whatever is that.
For me, the cookie is nice, or maybe not bad, not so special, I still have no idea why Americans crazy about it. that's enough for the information. thanks for coming guys...

I still recall when most of my friends were amazed when they heard that I am going to study in US, I don't know for sure what they thought but they have no idea how hard studying here. At the first couple months, language barrier became one of the problems, it was not about the English proficiency but about the accent, most of us, international students, have a strong accent regardless where we come from. Day by day, we became more and more familiar with those people, and we faced another challenge, school work. One of the differences between the system here and in Indonesia is people here will give more assignments and works, particularly in Computer Science which based on "doing" not only "reading".
Last semester, I was dying because of how time consuming my classes are, finished one project and got another one, it won't stop. I admit that it works, those things made our skills sharper. On my high school, I used to be happy when weekends came, but now whether weekends or school days are the same for me, I spend my beautiful weekends with laptop and books, doing the homeworks and creating projects. Once again, those are good things.
Another thing which is interesting to share is the cultural thing. I didn't only share with Americans, but also others like Brazilian, Egyptian, Turkish, South African, etc. Why? because I found not only American who is living here, there are so many immigrants. Most classes I take, I found another foreigner, some of them are a citizen of US and some aren't, a visa holder like me. It's fun to tell them what kinda things you have in your country and to listen how they live in their country.
Right now, I always think what will I gonna do when I head back home, it still so blur. I can just work and earn some moneys, but I don't think it will enough, I mean I won't stop studying, I'll be stopped some day, not now obviously. In the other hand, I need to implement skills I got here, it will be pointless if I don't use my skills, it means I break the purpose of this program. I think I got addicted with studying abroad, I wanna find more program, more scholar.
Homesickness is one of the most suffering things I've been through, you got lots of friends here but it won't be the same, there are some family roles which is almost disappeared. When I opened my eyes in the morning, I started to wonder where the voices of my brother and sister's fight, where a cup of tea which my mother always made, and where the sound of my father's foot steps. I missed that kinda simple thing. My adviser told me that we are now different, we are not the same like when we met them at the first time, we transformed to mid-western, even though a little bit, we changed. So when I get back home, I will face another culture shock, indeed.

Huff, so here I am lookin up one website, and this website made small little competition, 2D competition about either superhero or supervillain, and either based on character or make-up by your own. Back to last week, I drawn my character, asked a help from friend of mine to scan it, and I put it on Flash, with Flash I could trace the outlines and give the base colors. The next day after, I added the sword behind my character and put more details, for the final one, I did my retouch using adobe photoshop, stuff like adding background, manipulate the colors, and give other effects.
The day, when all the submissions need to be on the page, I saw other submissions, and holycow….they are great, full of details, nice colors combination and interesting theme they showed. My character now feels like a piece of crap.
On the class, 3D class, my teacher, Alex came to me and said “nice drawing”, and I asked what kinda method his friends, who submitted those great images, used to approach this kinda result? He answered, based on real photography, so they took of picture of themselves basically and start trace it using software (photoshop I guess), after that, they gave details, tons of it, so they can get a really cool looking image like that. The red line is, I thought my efforts were good enough but when I knew what they did and sacrificed to make one image for small little competition with no prize, I knew that my efforts was nothing can compared to theirs.
So yeah, that’s mean I need more and more time to learn, everything, photoshop, maya, and others.
(I am still looking at the webpage, starring they got more votes than my one) hiks hiks

It’s not spelling mistake, I meant that, people who like Will Smith gotta be familiar with that right? It’s from a 2006 movie with his son, which is really great one, it will give you a great emotion when you watched it.

Anyways, this movie told me one strong message, what was that? It was “no matter how tough is your obstacle, no matter how stiff is the wall in front of you, no matter what kinda trouble on your way, you’ll get thru those, no matter what!” . One guy named Chris (Will Smith), had too many problems in his life, he is an advanced X-ray box seller, he sells those from one hospital/doctor to another one, whatever the equipment is, he got difficulties to sell it, there bunch of those on his house.

His wife is a labor worker who can’t earn a good deal of salary, they have one son, called Christopher, 5 years old cute little boy, Christopher is studying at a small Chinese school which its teacher can’t spell happiness, they wrote “happyness” on their wall. So know you guys know why this movie called “pursuit of happyness”.

Back to the Chris, his wife was tired because they couldn’t earn money to pay everything, they got 3 months late of their apartment’s rent, so she left him. Chris asked his wife to let Christopher stay with him, and they agreed. Afterwards, Chris found how hard to live in this earth without money, somebody stole his X-ray Box, he got tickets and finally he couldn’t pay it, thus he lost his car, he moved to a cheap motel with his son, and others thing like that. One day, when everything looks fine, he sold most of his x-ray box, he found really shocking news, he didn’t pay the tax, so the government took money from his account, and now he only got 21 bucks on his account to live with his son, can you believe that?

So the motel owner kicked them out, and Chris had no idea where would they stay that night, no other option, they slept at Men’s restroom on a Train Station ( this is one of the saddest scene I’ve ever seen, I did almost cry, almost but I am strong enough :P ). The end of this movie, with all his efforts, he could go to some company and worked there so he can keep his son live in a decent way, it was based on true story movie!

This movie woke me up, while some people were struggling to keep their family live…I complained for what I’ve got, I didn’t realize how precious it is! While some people put all of his life to make his works done, I kept my assignments overdue, while some people knew how good it is to care to your friends and family, I ignored them. So yeah, now I will try to change all those things, it just not fair for them.

That’s all I got, so now it’s time of quote of the day and it’s…..”It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what.”